Success does not cure imposter feelings. Sometimes success and greater opportunities make them worse.
Imposter feelings are often a shame alarm. And for many of us, that alarm goes off when our body is already on alert.
Picture a scale from 0 to 10, where 0 is the most relaxed you have ever been and 10 is the most stressed.
Where do you live on an ordinary Tuesday?
Living at 2 is very different from living at 8.
In my clinical experience, those of us who grew up with trauma, abuse, neglect or without a secure attachment often live higher up that scale than we realise. If it has always been this way, it feels normal to us.
Then someone offers us the promotion, or asks us to present to the board.
From a 2, that might add 3. We arrive at 5. Nervous and able.
From a 7, there is very little room left. And with a history of being unseen or shamed, the same event tends to feel bigger, so it adds 5 and not 3. We have gone off the top of the scale.
Courage is doing a scary thing even though we are afraid. It is much harder starting from a 7.
That is the first half. The second half is what the event is testing.
If we have been seen, validated and affirmed throughout our lives, being looked at is mostly survivable. If we were repeatedly shamed, or simply never affirmed, being looked at can feel like waiting for a verdict.
So when we risk being seen and judged, the alarm goes off. A tight chest, heat in our face, a wish to shrink. Then the sentence arrives: “they are going to find out.” Notice the sentence comes after the alarm. That’s why changing the script doesn’t alter an already familiar movie.
And why reading a folder of kind emails does so little. An argument cannot turn off a bodily alarm.
I help clients to prepare on two fronts, well before the big day.
Bring the daily number down.
- A few times a day, pause. Let your shoulders drop by 5%. Feel your feet on the floor. Breathe in for 3 and out for 6.
- Notice what is happening in your body and give it a number. Practise coming down on ordinary days, so the route is familiar when you need it.
Build a steadier sense of worth.
- When shame arrives, stay with it if you can. Use your breath. Say: “This is shame, and it is not a verdict on me.”
- Notice that it rises, peaks and passes.
Initially my clients need me alongside them, helping them settle through all four steps (co-regulation).
Three limits. Not everyone with imposter feelings has this history. Sometimes the doubt is accurate, and our job is to learn what we do not know and need to know. And sometimes the people around us really are treating us as if we do not belong, which is not a feeling we can fix in ourselves.
If staying with high arousal and shame feels overwhelming, stop, and consider doing this with someone trained to help you to tolerate and bring both arousal and shame down.
This is a clinical view from my own practice, not a research finding.
The free worksheet that goes with this is The Morning After Good News: find your daily number, bring it down, and build a steadier sense of worth before the big day.
What number do you live at?