When parents are traumatised by war, their children and grandchildren do not only inherit trauma.
They may also inherit missing skills.
That may sound strange at first.
But I think it is one of the clearest ways to understand how war keeps living on long after the shooting stops.
I have always had a keen interest in history, and I have been fortunate to work with clients from all over the world.
When we start talking about their early home life, you would be surprised how often I hear some version of:
“My dad had problems because his dad…”
And with an interest in the history of conflict, those stories start to take on a whole new meaning.
When a traumatised person comes home from war, they do not only bring back memories.
They may bring back a nervous system that is jumpy, watchful, easily overwhelmed, emotionally shut down, ashamed of fear, unable to settle, and unable to talk about what happened.
Then family life begins to organise itself around that.
The children growing up in that home are not only exposed to pain.
They are also growing up without enough of the conditions that help human beings develop properly:
containment
soothing
attunement
co-regulation
emotional naming
repair
and the experience of remaining worthwhile when distressed
So the child may not learn how to settle their body well.
They may not learn how to feel fear without panic.
They may not learn how to process shame without collapse, hiding, or hardness.
They may not learn that feelings can move through and complete.
They may not learn that closeness is safe, that needs are bearable, or that conflict can be repaired.
And then, years later, we describe those consequences in very different ways:
panic
burnout
shutdown
checking
avoidance
hardness
over-control
people-pleasing
emotional deadness
attachment difficulties
Different surface patterns.
But often the same underlying developmental gap:
too little regulation
too much shame
not enough safe help with either
In that sense, war does not only injure people.
It can damage the transmission of the foundational skills needed to stay human under pressure.
That matters far beyond the family.
Because adults who cannot regulate fear well, bear shame well, or stay connected under stress are easier to recruit by grievance, hardness, obedience, and the promise that safety lies in turning other people into the enemy.
So if we are serious about making war less thinkable, less tolerable, and less recruitable, one part of the answer may be this:
raise more human beings who know how to regulate fear without dehumanising,
process shame without turning it into aggression,
and stay connected to themselves and others under pressure.
Not just less trauma.
Better development.
That is one reason I think developmental work matters so much.
It does not only help individuals.
Potentially, it changes families.
And over time, perhaps cultures too.
Note: this is the third in a short series exploring a larger question:
what would human beings have to become for war to stop working on us?